Karl's Weird News

David Beckham has some armless fun 

STUNNED David Beckham gasped in horror yesterday as he shook an injured Royal Marine’s hand — and it came off.

England hero Becks went ghostly pale as he clutched the limb while Commando Ben McBean screamed: “My arm! My arm!”

But the star’s shock turned to relief as onlookers howled with laughter and he realised he was holding Ben’s prosthetic arm rather than a real one.

Pub is closed by Monty Python grenade

BUILDINGS were evacuated, a street was cordoned off and a bomb disposal team called in after workmen spotted a suspicious object.

But the dangerous-looking weapon turned out to be the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, made famous in the 1975 film Monty Python And The Holy Grail.

Police and a fire crew were first on the scene in Shoreditch, east London, when water company workers found a copy of the film prop under a fire hydrant cover.

They evacuated a pub and another building in Tabernacle Street, while office staff in another building were stopped from leaving.

Former Hooters girl Melody Morales sues Hawaiian Tropic Zone for discrimination:

A former Hooters girl who says she’s got the right assets – but the wrong accent – is suing the Hawaiian Tropic Zone for crushing her dream of working as one of its bikini-clad beauties.

Melody Morales said she was rejected for a job by a manager at the Times Square restaurant who griped, “You don’t speak white” and, “You are ghetto.”

The 21-year-old Latina lovely is the latest woman to file suit over alleged shenanigans at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone, where employees in skimpy beachwear parade nightly before diners.

Balloon blows away free fall record bid

French skydiver Michel Fournier’s bid for a record-breaking parachute jump from Earth’s stratosphere was aborted Tuesday when the balloon that was to carry him into the far reaches of the sky slipped away from his flight crew.

The former paratrooper had hoped to set new records for the highest jump, fastest free fall, longest free fall and the highest altitude reached by a man in a balloon. But those hopes drifted away over the plains of Saskatchewan when the balloon escaped.

Still clad in his bright yellow pressure suit, the visibly frustrated Fournier waved away cameras after his ride slipped away shortly after 5 a.m. (7 a.m. ET). There was no immediate word on how the effort was botched, but his flight crew was attempting to recover the balloon, according to his official Web site.

Today I know the meaning of ‘butthurt.’

If it were later than 12:16 p.m. and if I had eaten anything yet today, I would take a double shot of whiskey right now. I might do it anyway because any negative repercussions from that would have to be better than feeling every ounce of pain I’m enduring today.

I am doing my taxes.

And you know what, right this second, I’m NOT proud to be an American. I’m not even proud to be a human being today. I am certainly not enjoying the fact that I share air and a planet with whatever assholes invented and maintain the IRS.

It makes me want to blow shit up. Not people, that would be taking it too far, but definitely shit. Like watermelons and outhouses and maybe even a taco truck.

So far, after a basic run-through with Turbotax, it looks like I’m gonna have to write a check for over $11,000. THIS IS MORE THAN 30% OF MY TAXABLE INCOME. About 23% of my gross income. What is this, goddamn commie Russia?

So in honor of this day of misery and brimstone, I would like to offer some heartfelt sentiments to certain people.

Be sure to read the whole thing!

Wish for rain to wash away Homer

Pagans have pledged to perform “rain magic” to wash away a cartoon character painted next to their famous fertility symbol – the Cerne Abbas giant.

A doughnut-brandishing Homer Simpson was painted next to the giant on the hill above Cerne Abbas, Dorset, to promote the new Simpsons film.

Many believe the ancient chalk outline of the naked, sexually aroused giant to be a symbol of ancient spirituality.

Many couples also believe the 180ft carving aids fertility.

7-Elevens turn into ‘Simpsons’ Kwik-E-Marts

Over the weekend, 7-Eleven Inc. turned a dozen stores into Kwik-E-Marts, the fictional convenience stores of “The Simpsons” fame, in the latest example of marketers making life imitate art.
A Dallas, Texas, 7-Eleven has temporarily become a Kwik-E-Mart as a tie-in to “The Simpsons Movie.”

Those stores and most of the 6,000-plus other 7-Elevens in North America will sell items that until now existed only on television: Buzz Cola, KrustyO’s cereal and Squishees, the slushy drink knockoff of Slurpees.

It’s all part of a campaign to hype the July 27 opening of “The Simpsons Movie,” the big-screen debut for the long-running television cartoon, which loves to lampoon 7-Eleven as a store that sells all kinds of unhealthy snacks and is run by a man with a thick Indian accent.

Semi-truck takes man and wheelchair for a ride down Red Arrow Highway

A 21-year-old man was taken on a wild ride Wednesday afternoon when the wheelchair he was in became attached to the grille of a semi-truck and was taken four miles down a highway at about 50 mph.

The man, whose name police did not release, was not injured. The driver was unaware he was pushing the man, according to a news release from the Michigan State Police.

Authorities began receiving calls about 4 p.m. that the semi was traveling westbound on Red Arrow Highway, just outside of Paw Paw, with the wheelchair.

Guinea pig ‘fried for dinner’

A German bricklayer, who accused his girlfriend of liking her pet guinea pig more than him, killed the pet and turned it into a “romantic” dinner for two.

Lara Hochner, 23, from Darmstadt only found out what had happened when she went to her beloved pet Rudi after the candle-lit meal, to make sure he had enough food and water.

When she realised he was not there, her 29-year-old boyfriend Werner Brenner admitted that the couple had just eaten the animal.

Man uses pigs to trash own house after foreclosure

Police in Clackamas County are looking for a man they say locked three live pigs in his house in the hopes that they would trash the place. All because he was upset the home went into foreclosure.

Police say the 33-year-old homeowner intentionally locked three pigs inside his home after it went into foreclosure.

Detective Jim Strovink with the Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office said deputies are trying to find 33-year-old Shane Lovett.

Lovett bought a home on SE Wildcat Mountain Drive in Eagle Creek a few years ago. In January the house went into foreclosure. Neighbors told police that Lovett was extremely distraught over the the situation. He apparently told several that he had put the animals inside the house over a week ago and even joked about the fact that they did not have any water.

Porn Slipped Into Wash. Time Capsule

There were a few surprises for the University of Washington’s Class of 1957 when they opened a time capsule sealed 50 years ago. Among audiotapes and copies of the yearbook and school newspaper were 1980s-era porn, a condom and some dirty underwear. Alumni opened the capsule earlier this week in preparation for a public unveiling Saturday during a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the university’s communications program. The capsule had been placed in an interior wall of the then-new Communications Building in 1957.

Man cuts off penis in restaurant:

A man cut off his penis with a knife in a packed London restaurant. Police were forced to use CS gas to restrain the man when they entered the Zizzi restaurant in The Strand on Sunday evening. A Metropolitan Police spokeswoman said the man was aged between 30 and 40 and that his injuries were self-inflicted.

Sleepy Crew Delays Flight for 13 Hours

Passengers on a British Airways flight from New Delhi to London were delayed about 13 hours when members of the cabin and flight crew reported they were too sleepy to fly, a company spokeswoman confirmed Wednesday. Crew members said they had not slept enough because of noise at their hotel, said Laura Goodes, a BA spokeswoman. A report Monday in the Hindustan Times had quoted airport officials as saying the pilot “felt sleepy.”

Dynamite Surfing:

These guys in Copenhagen surf a wave created by a huge stick of dynamite thrown into the water. Viral for sports gear.

Man Gets 33,500 Pennies in Lawsuit Payout

A penny saved is a penny earned, but one man believes 33,500 pennies won are best donated to a worthy cause.

 Bob Wilson, who won a small claims court case last month, will donate the pennies to the Oakland Livingston Human Service Agency, which has helped him with heating bills.

Wilson was given the pennies by Karl Stepen, owner of NSK Motorsports in Fowlerville, after a judge ruled in Wilson’s favor and awarded him $335.

Stepen said he paid Wilson in pennies to show his contempt for Wilson. “We paid him in legal U.S. currency,” Stepen said.

 Starbucks barista: We’re not your friends (but your tips are appreciated):

To all of you silly, sad caffeine addicts who line up like lemmings for your overpriced lattes every morning: there are some things you should know.

1. We are not your friends. We are usually not your neighbors. In most cases, we absolutely loathe you, but we are outwardly friendly — because we are paid to do so. You are not getting special treatment, and we really don’t give a shit about your last vacation or your new baby or your real estate problems.
…
2. Oh, you work from home? We are not your water-cooler break. We may be the only humans you have interacted with for days, but do not expect us to be interested in your stupid home business or your racist, sexist, totally unfunny commentary. Get your drink and get out.
…

Read the whole thing!

Wikipedia’s Image Is Tarnished as an Editor Is Exposed as Fraud 

Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, has been plunged into controversy after one of its most prolific contributors and editors, a professor with degrees in theology and canon law, was exposed as a 24-year-old college dropout.

 The editor, who called himself Essjay, was recruited by staff at Wikipedia to work on the site’s arbitration committee, a team of expert administrators charged with vetting content on the “free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.”

But no one apparently vetted the credentials of Essjay, who claimed to be a professor of religion at a private university and contributed to an estimated 20,000 Wikipedia entries.

Essjay was Ryan Jordan, a 24-year-old from Kentucky with no advanced degrees who used texts such as “Catholicism for Dummies” to help him correct articles on the penitential rite or transubstantiation.

Taiwanese set off 8.1-mile firecracker

Organizers lit up a 8.1-mile string of explosives in a southern Taiwanese county Sunday, hoping to create the world’s longest firecracker in a record-setting attempt expected to last two hours.

TV footage of the Chinese New Year celebration in Tainan County, dubbed “Legend of the Fire Dragon,” showed rapid flashes of bright red explosions that created huge wafts of white smoke.

ABC developing ‘Cavemen’:

Winner for most unusual piece of development this pilot season goes to ABC, which has turned a series of quirky Geico commercials into an actual half-hour comedy project.

“Cavemen” will revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they attempt to live as normal thirtysomethings in modern Atlanta.

Project, from ABC TV Studio, is penned by Joe Lawson, an advertising copywriter who was behind the “Caveman” ads — as well as other Geico commercials (think the cockney-speaking Geico gecko, and the reality TV spoof “Tiny House”).

A new twist to an intriguing family history – baltimoresun.com:

Many people know that Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama’s father was from Kenya and his mother from Kansas.

But an intriguing sliver of his family history has received almost no attention until now: it appears that forebears of his white mother owned slaves, according to genealogical research and Census records.

The records — which had never been addressed publicly by the Illinois senator or his relatives — were first noted in an ancestry report compiled by William Addams Reitwiesner, who works at the Library of Congress and practices genealogy in his spare time.
…
“The twist is very interesting,” said Ronald Walters, a political scientist who is director of the African-American Leadership Institute at the University of Maryland, College Park. “It deepens his connection with the experience of slavery, even if it deepens it on a different side of the equation.”

AIDS Hot Line Number Rings Up Sex Line

A bookmark distributed by the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services not only teaches teens and children about HIV and AIDS, it provides a phone number that patches them into a hardcore sex hot line.

St. Joseph resident Lori Felzien said she found out about the hot line when her sixth-grade son dialed the number printed on a bookmark he received during a health lesson at Bessie Ellison Elementary School.

The boy handed her mother the phone and said, “Mom, listen to this.” Felzien’s reaction: “We’ve got to get these cards out of these kids’ hands.”

Iowa Man Discovers He’s a Lucky ‘Idiot’

Ed O’Neill’s bank account just got a lot bigger, thanks to a co-worker who told him some “idiot” hasn’t claimed an $800,000 Powerball lottery prize.

O’Neill, 58, who works for the Clinton Chamber of Commerce, bought the ticket for a Jan. 6 Powerball drawing. He told Iowa Lottery staffers he didn’t think to check the results until a couple days afterward when a chamber receptionist pointed out an article in the local newspaper.

“She said, ‘Read this article about the idiot that hasn’t claimed his ticket.’ So I read it and noticed where the ticket was bought,” O’Neill said. “I thought, ‘Gee, I better look at my ticket.’ That’s when I said, ‘I think I won.’”

Another fine mess to celebrate

Whether getting stuck up Everest or down an alley in a tank, the members of the Cock-Up Club believe that failure can be glorious. Their club dinner is tomorrow: prepare for breaking glass

Until now, it has been a secret society, shadowy and on the margins. Which is perhaps understandable. Its leading lights include the man who climbed Everest “and fell off”, the major who captured a flock of sheep instead of the IRA, and the explorer who went into the jungle with 24 bottles of wine, but forgot the food.

Now, though, the Cock-Up Club is opening its doors to the admiring gaze of the public. On the eve of the club’s first dinner of 2007, its co-founder, Anthony Willoughby, 56, has offered The Sunday Telegraph the first look into the group’s history, members and “achievements”.

Error leads to billion-dollar utility bills

Perhaps his $24 billion electric bill will teach Richard Redden not to leave the heat running.

Thanks to a printing error, Redden and more than 1,300 Weatherford utility customers this week received billion-dollar electric bills marked as late notices.

Sword-Wielding Man Confronts Neighbor After Hearing Woman’s Cries on Porn Film

A sword-wielding Wisconsin man broke into his neighbor’s apartment thinking he was chivalrous after hearing the cries of a woman he thought was in peril — but instead, she was in porn.

James Van Iveren was in his Oconomowoc apartment listening to music when he heard loud cries from a woman he thought was pleading for help, reported the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. The 39-year-old grabbed a cavalry sword, a family heirloom, and rushed upstairs to forcibly open the quarters of an upstairs tenant he barely knew.

“It was a woman screaming,” Van Iveren said of the Feb. 12 incident. “She was screaming for help.”

Bret Stieghorst told police that he was watching a pornographic DVD when Van Iveren kicked open his door, damaging the frame and lock in the process, with a 39-inch blade in hand.

‘Fart bomb’ closes postal centre and roads

A smelly “fart bomb” had postal staff and firefighters holding their breath today when it burst at a postal sorting centre on Auckland’s North Shore.

The fart bomb was a giveaway in an internet magazine, but when other postal items were placed on top of the magazines being posted out the sachet bomb burst and released its contents shortly after daybreak.

Man buys abandoned farm, discovers barn filled with vintage cars

Ok, so imagine you live in portugal and your moving house. you find a lovely farm house set in a decent plot of land. the place has been empty for 15 years! whilst exploring your new property you find a large barn in the trees. the door is padlocked shut and its all rusted solid. so you grind the padlock open………

Yes it is in Norwegian, but the photos say it all!

Shovel, Pepper Spray Used in Dispute Over Shoveling Shared Driveway

Things got heated between two Dayton neighbors who share a common driveway this week when one woman used pepper spray on the other after she said she felt threatened with a snow shovel, according to local police.

Soviet-era submarine museum sinks:

A Cold War-era Soviet-built submarine that was being towed to a museum in Thailand took on water and sank off northwestern Denmark, Danish officials and the vessel’s Thai owner said Tuesday.

No people or weapons were on board the Whiskey-class submarine when it sank Monday in an area known as Jysk Reef, about 35 miles off the coast of the Jutland peninsula, the Danish navy said.

A tug boat was towing the 246-foot-long vessel when it started taking on water, forcing the crew to cut it loose for their own safety, navy spokesman Klaus Randrup Rasmussen said. There was no risk of pollution because the submarine was not carrying any fuel, weapons or other hazardous material, he said.

Getting Even, With Help From the Internet:

There’s a new brand of law and order in the age of the Internet. For example, a woman scorned can catch, try, convict and punish the accused, and do it with the whole world watching — all from her home computer.

Even a minor offense like stealing your neighbor’s newspaper might land you in the court of public humiliation, also known as YouTube

Did you ever leave a small tip in a restaurant? Or no tip at all? Bitterwaitress.com allows servers to rat out low-tipping customers, and celebrities like Nick Lachey and Cameron Diaz have been burned on this Web site.

Nice work if you can get it

Ford Motor Co. may resume paying executive bonuses to boost the morale of managers battered by three rounds of job cuts and plant closings in the past five years, people familiar with the matter said.

The No. 2 U.S. automaker is considering the renewal of bonuses as a way of supporting managers coping with reduced benefits, the elimination of merit raises and the threat of job losses, said the people, who didn’t want to be identified because the discussions are private.

Ford paid no bonuses to its top 6,000 executives during the last two years. Ford’s net income shrank to $1.44 billion for 2005. Ford said today it lost $5.8 billion in the fourth quarter and $12.7 billion for 2006, the biggest annual loss ever. The company is cutting 40,000 factory and white-collar jobs in hopes of restoring North American auto profits in 2009.

High-Def Disconnect

But man cannot live on nature shows and sports forever. And neither cable nor satellite offers more than 12 channels of HD programming.

That’s right. I paid $1,399 for my HD television, $99 for an upgraded receiver, $110 for the proper cables and an extra $10 a month to a satellite provider that offers me more than 200 channels — and only 12 of those are in HD.

That’s 6 percent. Six!

Man survives 17-story fall:

A 29-year-old man who was apparently horsing around with some friends crashed through a window and fell 16 stories at the downtown Minneapolis Hyatt Regency early Saturday morning. His most severe injury? A broken leg.

Obedient motorist crashes on satnav command

A 46-year-old German motorist driving along a busy road suddenly veered to the left and ended up stuck on a railway track — because his satellite navigation system told him to, police said Sunday.

The motorist was heading into the north German city of Bremen “when the friendly voice from his satnav told him to turn left,” a spokesman said.

68-year-old was dead in his shower for four days:

On Christmas Day, a 68-year-old man died taking a shower in his 19th-floor apartment in south Minneapolis. His body wasn’t discovered for four days. And the water kept running all that time, the drain blocked by the man’s body. The water overflowed into the walls and carpets of the apartments below, all the way to street level.

Man Gets $256 for Nuisance Text Messages

A court has ordered a Chinese television production company to pay damages to a man who received more than 3,000 nuisance messages after his mobile phone number was used in a police TV drama.

Powerball Winner: Thieves Cleaned Me Out:

Whittaker won a nearly $315 million on Christmas 2002, then the largest undivided lottery prize in U.S. history. He took his winnings in a lump sum of $113 million after taxes. Since then, he has faced his granddaughter’s death by drug overdose; he has been sued for bouncing checks at Atlantic City, N.J., casinos; he has been ordered to undergo rehab after being arrested on drunken driving charges; his vehicles and business have been burglarized; and he has been sued by the father of an 18-year-old boy, a friend of his granddaughter’s, who was found dead in Whittaker’s house.